How to communicate with my husband's mother. Careful, mother-in-law: how to build a relationship with the husband's mother

Here is how a psychologist advises to behave with her husband's mother: “It is better for a woman to accept that her mother-in-law is an important woman for her husband forever. The mother-in-law came to this family first, gave birth to and raised her son. the family is completed. lived together and fled, then the mother-in-law may no longer appear in the life of the former daughter-in-law. "

I suggest that a woman, establishing communication with her mother-in-law, define a "safe zone" in communication, that is, safe topics for conversation. If a married couple lives with their mother-in-law, then it is better to define common locations and agree on mutually convenient rules of use.

Do you insist on meeting the interests of both parties?

Yes, because because of the compromise, each participant is forced to give in to their desires and endure, and the pent-up emotions gradually accumulate and cause tension. The emotional level rises and the quarrel explodes.

Why do such conflicts often arise?

Women can conflict because of the uncertainty that they are still loved by the same man. In such families, they do not know what the sons and mother's love, and how it differs from the relationship between a man and a woman. I suggest not to mix the roles of wife-husband, mother-son. Each relationship resolves its own issues.

Press service of the channel Ukraine

Should the mother-in-law be called "mom"?

If there is a trusting relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, then yes. But it is better to remember that each person has one mother, except for certain cases, for example, with adoption. Therefore, diplomatic distance is perfectly acceptable. The husband's mother is the husband's mother. Address by name and patronymic emphasizes the respectful attitude towards the woman, thanks to which there is a man next to you whom you love and with whom you are building a family.

Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are equal, in the understanding that each has its own rights, but to each other, they are not competitors. They can, how to communicate and take care of each other, and not do it, limiting themselves in a relationship only to respect. Different stages of life, different tasks and a happy common future of the family are ensured if there is mutual respect and love.

Olga Evlanova's dossier: psychologist, official teacher (PPL). Author and developer of innovative approaches Business without stopping and One life - many vectors based on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy: thoughts and behavior that determine the result). Psychological coaching expert. Full member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League (Russia) and member of the board of the Ukrainian Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists. Member of the public organization Ukrainian Association of Specialists for Overcoming the Consequences of Traumatic Events.

How many exist relationship between a man and a woman, there are so many problems of communication between a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law. For some women, it is sometimes easy enough to find mutual language with her husband's beloved woman, others spend years trying to improve relationships, but never come to positive results.

Sometimes you need to look for some difficult ways in order to change something. in a relationship with mom, and sometimes the answer is right in front of the nose, but not always easy to notice. If you can win the respect of your mother-in-law, then improve your relationship with your husband and eliminate unnecessary unnecessary conflicts. Also, do not forget that you will communicate with this person more than once, therefore, it is much more profitable to make him your friend.

Yes, the friendship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law does exist, but it takes time and patience. Any man will be happy if two of his beloved women find a common language and learn to respect each other, after all family holidays will be much more fun, and joint education of the younger generation will be easier. If you want to improve relations with your husband's beloved mother, then feel free to listen to the following tips in order to solve the problem of lack of mutual understanding once and for all.

- Never reproach your husband for talking to your mother-in-law.... Almost every mother is aware of the shortcomings of her child, but not everyone is ready to discuss them. If you start telling her how imperfect your husband is, then it is likely that you will make an enemy for yourself. Such topics of conversation do not lead to anything positive, they only destroy your connection with your loved one and set your mother-in-law against you. Learn to say only good things, and then she will understand that you can be trusted and that you have a positive effect on him. Amazing fact, but this is so, because few mothers want to talk for hours about how bad their son is, given that she raised him. "An apple does not fall far from an apple tree" - this well-known proverb was invented very well when talking about the mother-in-law and your husband, so she will be very proud if you praise her beloved son once again.

- Don't tell your mother-in-law about your past.... It is important to remember that there is only you and your husband, and all your others should remain in the past. The mother-in-law cannot introduce you to another, and she does not want to do it, because she is one hundred percent sure that her son is the most the best man of everyone you have ever met on the path of life. If you still talk about your past, try to reveal its main stages, without focusing on the little things.

Tell us about your friends, how you did in school and institute and how the boys in the class treated you. Do not talk about your love affairs and the one that was the first in your life. Just say that you love and respect your past and do not regret anything. If there have been treason in your life, then this is also worth keeping silent about. The mother-in-law will be pleasantly surprised to learn that her daughter-in-law's past is quite positive in all aspects.

- Learn to find an individual approach to your mother-in-law... Here it is important to feel the person and try to find his weaknesses. Everyone has their own interests and hobbies, so research your mother-in-law. If she loves to visit theaters and movies, buy two tickets for a new performance or film and offer to go there together. If she prefers to read books at home, give her a volume from her favorite writer. It often happens that older women like to philosophize about life or gossip, so be sure to talk to her on a topic of interest to her and prepare an interesting "material" in advance. As soon as she finds a person in you who is interested in the same as her, your relationship will improve significantly, so you should definitely try to apply this method in practice.

- Consult with mother-in-law... Any woman who has reached adulthood will be pleasantly surprised if the daughter-in-law will respect her advice. You should understand that you do not have to adhere to these tips, the most important thing is to make her understand that her opinion means a lot to you. Ask her the recipe for the signature dish, ask about her attitude to female friendship and ask for advice on how you should be in a certain situation.

Any mother-in-law will understand that her husband found an excellent wife, because advice will be passed down from generation to generation, which is very important for mature wise women... Almost all mothers-in-law love to advise and teach, so use this weakness to your advantage. In a conversation, once again say the phrase "What do you think about this?" and she will understand that you are the best daughter-in-law.

- Learn to show love and respect for your mother-in-law... You don't need to tell her every day how you love her and how important she is to you, but try to make her feel your care and attention. Understand that you need not look for flaws in her and some mistakes that she once made, but understand that she gave birth to a person who is very dear to you. If you love your husband, then try to love his mother, because this is really very important for a happy family life... Never raise your voice, do not try to argue or demonstrate strengths of your character - this will only destroy the invisible connection with your mother-in-law. Yes, sometimes you have to endure and do not what you want, but in family life you always have to make concessions.

- Try with all your might to live separately from your mother-in-law... Sometimes it can be difficult both materially for both of you and morally for your husband. But you should understand that two housewives will not get along under the same roof, because each of them has her own view of everyday life. Settle in a rented apartment, move to a smaller town where the prices for living are not so high, but do your best to limit your communication with your mother-in-law to regular nice meetings, preferably on neutral territory. So you will protect your marriage and will not make a new enemy in the person of your beloved husband's mother.

- Return to the section table of contents " "

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I have a second marriage, we have been living for two years. And for more than a year now, for some reason, my husband's relationship with his mother has been straining me. It so happens that I have to leave from time to time. And here he is all this time on the weekend with his mother. Shopping, to the beach, to the pool, to a cafe, to the forest ..., takes my mother to a cafe ..., everywhere with my mother. Even if we are together, we still rarely spend the weekend together. Wherever we go, he invites mom with him. I was already tired of this and began to tell him that I wanted to go together. He of course agrees with me ..

And once there was such a case. We were driving together in the car and then my mother began to talk about former women my husband. Of course, it was unpleasant for me to listen, and at home I told him about it. The husband flared up and said that he would make a remark to his mother so that she would not go in with her stories and advice, and in general expressed dissatisfaction with her interfering. But not even a day had passed when he was already lisping with her on the phone, he had already invited me somewhere and asked me not to tell her that he was here so indignant at her behavior. And when even more time passed, my husband said to me, "Well, what did she say? She didn't want to offend anyone."

I've read a bunch of articles on relationship psychology. And I'm even afraid to think that my husband is really a mama's boy. But it seems to me that we do not live together, but three of us. Mom said, Mom does this, Mom prepares it, etc. He also often calls her and reports everything in detail about our life with him: what they did, what they bought, how much they cost, where they were, whom they met, whom they saw, even about our plans ... I repeatedly asked my husband not to tell in such detail about our life, especially about our plans, because I don't want this ... But he still talks ..

But yesterday's incident made me write to you. I'm away again. And yesterday my mother hosted our apartment all day. Her husband invited her to help him prepare a meal for a week .. And at the end of the day he writes to me "I am now seeing my mother off, we are staring at the psychics. This is literal. I got angry. Yesterday was Sunday. On Saturday, he also spent most of the day with his mother. And when he is with his mother, he hardly communicates with me. And so I think, do I need all this if it annoys and angers me so much? Why do I need this constant internal discomfort? I can't pretend and pretend that I like it. To re-educate a man at the age of 47, I don't know if it will work out? Please advise what should I do in such a situation? I am tolerant and respectful of my mother-in-law, but I don’t want her presence in our life. Maybe I misunderstand something, but why is it so annoying to me and I don't like it so much? Please help me figure it out. Thanks a lot.

The question is answered by the psychologist Zhuravlev Alexander Evgenievich.

Hello!

Tatiana!!! Well, it is clear what kind of "mom-son" relationship we are talking about !!!

You, in general, married a man who had formed a long time ago. And my mother, as a dominant, was always present in his life. A kind of "ideal woman" format. It is she who is the "object" of the external world, which for your husband makes this external world harmonious, complete, fit for life and safe. It is the mother who knows exactly the ways by which the feeling of satisfaction with life "comes" to your husband. It is the mother who knows how (and knows how to do it!) To give your husband full pleasure. It just so happened.

I understand that she has one? And dad, as a significant figure, has long disappeared from the horizon?

You somehow missed this moment.

By the way, I didn't quite understand if your husband was married before you? Does he have children?

How did you meet him? How did your relationship develop? What is the reason that you did marry him? Really, nothing alarmed?

When a person is 47 years old (by the way, how old is your mother-in-law?), Then calling him simply "mama's son" somehow does not turn his head.

The fact is that he and his mother have had a very serious relationship for a long time and really: there is friendship, and mutual obligations, and absolute trust, and dependence, and much more !!!

And mom will always be the most referential (defining) figure in your husband's life. This is the result of a lifestyle, way and methods of upbringing (and it, upbringing, continues non-stop for all 47 years !!!).

Under the influence of all this, the basic values ​​of your husband, his needs, have long been formed! I mean my relationship with my mother, understanding and fulfilling my filial duty, the need for approval from my mother, etc.

When adults form relationships, the first question is whether they have common values ​​of a basic nature. Most often, this is an attitude towards certain aspects of life, a common understanding of the meaning of life, the full value of existence, etc. That is, literally, we are talking about some kind of common ideology!

It sounds very difficult, but in reality everything is much simpler:

There is something to talk about with each other or not - it doesn't matter! But when people are just comfortable together, when they experience mutual complete trust, boldly and calmly express their point of view on any issue, without looking back at anyone, then this is the normal emotional and psychological climate of interpersonal relations.

A person, trusting his life, his future to someone must, first of all, TRUST!

And trust is impossible in a situation of "double standards". In your case, this is when, under the influence of his mother, he changes his point of view on what she does, speaks and how he behaves!

A person should EXACTLY understand in what coordinate system he is, what role he plays. And if there are any contradictions, inconsistencies, dissonances, then a lot of questions arise and a lot of discomfort!

"If I am a wife, then why don't I feel like a mistress in my house? If I am not a mistress, then why am I forced to do a bunch of responsibilities? Why can't I feel confident and calm being a wife and mistress?"

The hostess is the one and only. In my opinion, there cannot be two housewives with the same rights and the same area of ​​responsibility in the same house. Someone should be at least a little, but more important!

There is one word in your story - "irritation". This is a very bad condition. It is akin to resentment - it is absolutely destructive and has a chronic connotation. This condition is painful and harmful to our health, because it is associated with what is called "an increased level of anxiety." It turns out that you are constantly experiencing tension, without the opportunity to relax. Tension accumulates and splashes out in the form of dissatisfaction with oneself, the surrounding world, life, etc. Tension accumulates and is expressed even in somatic diseases ...

Your task is to competently talk with your husband, explaining exactly what you feel when you find yourself in a situation of "two housewives in the kitchen." And in your monologue there should be a continuous pronoun "I" and a minimum of pronouns "you", "you" and "she"!

There should be no criticism in your monologue, but there should be a simple mention of facts, a statement. And the question is: What should I do?

"I see that for you the opinion of your mother is more important than the opinion of your wife. What should I think about this? Who do you think I should feel? How should I behave?" etc.

Maybe he will think and make at least some choice?

Unfortunately, my prognosis is not very favorable. It is unlikely that anything will change, but you have to try everything!

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Despite the fact that the classic character of anecdotes is the mother-in-law, perhaps the most difficult relationship is between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. For many, a mother-in-law is a domineering, eternally dissatisfied woman who does not miss the opportunity to devalue and reproach: “You wash your clothes with the wrong tool, you put your children in bed at the wrong time, you feed your husband with the wrong one”. Some go further and begin to put things in order in the house of their daughter-in-law, and some even easily clean up the dressers and wardrobes in the bedroom of a married son. To deal with this state of affairs with the help of scandals or to endure in silence? Both are meaningless. Let's figure out how to choose an effective strategy and improve relations with the husband's mother.

Why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law does not add up

As a rule, the behavior of the mother-in-law is explained by jealousy and inability to admit the fact that he has already grown up. In a sense, it is: the emotional connection that has been formed over the years cannot completely disappear. Therefore, when a son marries, along with joy, the mother experiences sadness, fear and concern, even if she never hindered his independence.

"How will my son live on, won't the woman he marries hurt him, won't she stand between me and her son, will not limit our communication, will he cope with all the difficulties without me?" and - perhaps most importantly - "will my child need me, won't he reject me for the sake of another?" - this anxiety is natural. Normally, you can cope with it if you realize that the son is able to independently manage his life and no longer needs his mother to the extent that the child needed.

Through this awareness, the transformation of relationships takes place, which from the “parent-child” level go to the “adult-adult” level. Otherwise, the anxiety goes off scale, and from it suspicion is born, the need for control and influence on his already adult son.

The daughter-in-law, for her part, brings her own way of dealing with her mother and her childhood traumas to the family. One multiplied by another sometimes gives unpredictable and unpleasant results.

Errors in the relationship with the mother-in-law

How to win back a husband from a mother-in-law? This question is asked by many women, not realizing that by doing so they are beginning to build relationships in terms of struggle - and this is definitely a road to nowhere. In fairness, it must be said that often the mother-in-law herself sets the tone. Phrases like “and here I am at your age…”, “I never… to my husband…”, “I don't understand how you can…” and other subtle allusions to the daughter-in-law's failure create a context of superiority and rivalry. The daughter-in-law is not a little girl waiting for moralizing, therefore, as a rule, she accepts the challenge. All this leads to common mistakes in the relationship with the mother-in-law.

Error 1: trying to please and behave in accordance with the expectations of the mother-in-law, listening to reproaches

If you go along with your mother-in-law and try to please her, you automatically admit that you are not good enough for her son. “I washed the dishes poorly” - the third more thoroughly, “you don’t cook breakfast for your husband” - you get up early in the morning, even if you have Small child and you fell asleep at dawn.

The origins of this behavior are most likely in the incomplete separation from your own mother, which you project onto the mother-in-law. Expecting praise and recognition, you thereby put yourself in the position of a child, and the mother-in-law - in the position of a parent who decides for you whether you do well or badly. This gives the mother-in-law a powerful advantage in her relationship with her son. In my practice, there was a case when a mother and son arranged debriefing for the daughter-in-law, telling her at the family council what and how she was doing wrong. Unsurprisingly, this relationship ended in divorce.

Another example: my client did everything to deserve the praise of her mother-in-law, and over time, when she came from another city, she began to suffer from migraines. Psychosomatic pains freed her from the need to communicate, but this did not save the situation: the mother-in-law continued in the same spirit, making comments about the sickly appearance of the children and poor-quality food in the refrigerator.

What to do

• Don't try to form a relationship with your mother-in-law overnight. For your husband, she close person, for you - a stranger. If you go for rapprochement immediately and quickly, you run the risk of building communication with your mother-in-law through your projections. You should not, for example, call your mother-in-law a mother and turn to "you" immediately after the wedding, despite the brief acquaintance and awkwardness: this way you maintain a completely unnecessary parent-child context. Treat yourself as an adult, which means respecting your needs. Deepen the relationship at a pace that is comfortable for you and only to a sufficient extent.
• Do not forget to outline the boundaries - do not tolerate invasion of forbidden territory, say "no" immediately and unambiguously. Remember, marking and protecting borders is your job. If sleeping dressers and wardrobes are taboo for outsiders, the mother-in-law should know about this. If words do not work, go to sanctions, but remember that they must be adequate and understandable: put locks on the closet, and do not limit her communication with children. Thus, you clearly show what you see as unacceptable behavior for you, otherwise it is revenge, not protection.
• Do not let sarcastic remarks on the brakes, do not think out and do not behave in accordance with speculation. If you hear that “my son is completely emaciated,” clarify what the mother-in-law means, what she expects from you, and share your opinion about this situation. Such a dialogue may end unexpectedly. For example, the mother-in-law of my acquaintance, in a conversation with her daughter-in-law about how her son eats, began to cry, because she realized that he no longer needed her as a nurse. After a while, this realization prompted her to revise her life meanings.

Error 2: constantly bickering with the mother-in-law and involve the husband in this fight

If criticism of your mother-in-law knocks the ground out from under your feet, causes strong rejection and anger, most likely you are not confident enough in yourself as a wife and mother. Often, an unconscious guilt lurks behind a violent reaction: "I probably really do everything wrong." To protect yourself from these feelings, you have to quickly push the offender out of your territory - to respond with rudeness, that is, to defend your borders, while violating others. Aggression is often passive: it was not given as a gift, we arrived at the wrong time, the grandson was fed the wrong way. If at the same time you are complaining to your husband and looking for a defender in him, two options are possible. He will resist, and then quarrels are inevitable, or he will take your side - in this case, his communication with his parents may stop altogether.

Finding a balance between contact and border protection in this scenario is difficult, so the relationship with the mother-in-law does not develop, but suffocates in the bud. The pay is high: scandals with her husband, deterioration of relations between grandmother and grandchildren - often up to a complete break.

What to do

• Do not react to value judgments and criticism with aggression. Instead, learn to conduct a dialogue with your mother-in-law: find out what she means and be interested in her experiences. My friend's mother-in-law once expressed her displeasure, because she was late for a meeting with her mother, her husband's grandmother. A friend sincerely asked why she was so upset. It turned out that the grandmother called her mother-in-law and in the conversation began to rudely condemn her and her grandson, accuse her of wrong upbringing, ingratitude and the like. The mother-in-law experienced unpleasant emotions that were difficult for her to cope with. After talking, both calmed down, the mother-in-law asked for forgiveness, and the daughter-in-law sympathized.
• Do not involve your husband in clarifying the relationship with the mother-in-law, otherwise you risk ending up in the Karpman triangle, where the mother-in-law is the aggressor, you are the victim, and the husband is the savior. As you know, the roles in the triangle change, and you will inevitably turn from a victim into an aggressor, and a mother-in-law from an aggressor into a victim. In this case, your husband will be caught between two fires. This scenario leads to a deterioration in relations. Instead, try to resolve all controversial issues yourself, taking responsibility for your role in the “daughter-in-law-mother-in-law” relationship, rather than shifting it onto your husband.

Olga Yurkovskaya specially for https://dni.ru

The topic of relations with the mother-in-law is much less anecdotal than the “mother-in-law”, but the number of tragedies, family scenes and divorces in seemingly strong marriages through the fault of mothers-in-law is off the charts. The reason for this is the excessive infantilism of a man, often superimposed on the parallel authoritarianism of his mother and the moral immaturity of his wife. As a result, either the years of the Cold War, periodically accompanied by domestic sabotage, or a wedding, scandals and a solemn division of property. Let's figure out how to solve this problem. Once and for all.

Divide and don't let dominate

First rule constructing good relationship with the mother-in-law sounds like this: it is absolutely impossible to live together. A man should not be torn between opposite social roles - husband and son. For his mother, at any age, he is a child, small, in need of care and the best in the world. And for the wife - the protector, the head of the family and the dad of joint children. And, if these roles constantly bump into each other, the conflict in the head is inevitable. Therefore, under no circumstances can you live under the same roof with your father-in-law. Even if you cannot afford to rent an apartment, rent a dorm room, but separate.

Realize that your mother-in-law, even the best in the world, will never be your friend. Do not indulge yourself with illusions. You took away her beloved boy, he now gives you most of his love, his time and attention. He buys gifts for you, lives with you, takes care of you. Therefore, if you are constantly in front of your mother-in-law, jealousy is inevitable. As well as resentment and attempts to pull the blanket over yourself. Only one mother-in-law will do it demonstratively, impudently, and the other - gradually, sometimes without even realizing that “wishing well,” she is crossing the boundaries of someone else's, in fact, family. And then there is a 99% chance that the marriage will either break up or turn into family hard labor. So separate yourself. By any means.

When Distance Doesn't Help ...

I often have to remind you that the formal age of a person (recorded in the passport) does not matter. You can live to retire and keep your brain at the level of a teenager. It is quite possible that the mother-in-law is intelligent as a fifteen-year-old girl, and considers herself a wise woman. And you, due to a lack of understanding how to deal with it, are lost.

If the situation is familiar, second rule building good relations with the mother-in-law - move away emotionally, imagine that in front of you is not the mother-in-law, but one of the unfamiliar neighbors. She calls you with incomprehensible claims, grievances, instructive and soul-saving conversations. It is unpleasant for you to communicate with her. How will you react? And, even more so, how will you perceive her chatter? Have you presented? This is exactly what your reaction to your mother-in-law's conversations should now be - this is a stranger to you. And she does not wish you any "good". Since her own life did not take place, she cannot advise you anything smart, but is offended that you live better than her.

Third rule : live your life, and let the mother-in-law live hers. She is not your daughter to bring up or to feel sorry for. Her own adult choice in favor of infantilism is not your concern. Your task is to protect yourself and your family from the toxic influence of someone else's for you personally, I emphasize, an infantile person.

Read the book by Karen Pryor "Do not growl at the dog" and it is exactly from this book that you decide which topics of conversation you like and which ones you are not interested in. And how will you stop a conversation on a topic that you do not like. Explain what topics you are ready to talk about and what not - and let this decision become the sixth rule in your relationship with your mother-in-law. And act in accordance with these conditions. If you do not take the initiative, your husband's mother will take out your brain with her interests and provoke you to emotions with her conversations.

Some people manage to stir up passions even during a telephone conversation. If you don't control this conversation, the mother-in-law may probe painful topics and step on her favorite calluses. If you tolerate politely, she will drive a tractor over your senses, hurt incredibly painfully, but a well-mannered girl will cry, lick her wounds and politely pick up the phone again so that all this happens again.

Tired of it? Write your own conversation script. You are a smart and adult woman, so communicate according to the scenarios that suit you, and stop unpleasant dialogues. Nobody forces you to maintain a conversation that you do not like. You are not being interrogated by the Gestapo, you are free to interrupt the conversation and leave. Learn to take responsibility for your well-being and well-being, and teach other people to respect your comfort.

She's a grandmother! ...

Fourth rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law encourages people to remember that public opinion and long-standing stereotypes are often wrong. Women are afraid to limit communication with their mother or mother-in-law under the pretext "she is a grandmother, she loves her grandchildren." Yes, grandmother, but, alas, she does not always love. For many grandmothers, love does not appear, something does not work. Grandmothers may well not experience love on demand. Moreover, you are nobody to her, she may well not love you, but quietly hate you.

However, public opinion says that it is “not good” to ignore the grandmother, and she appears in the house under the pretext of communicating with her grandchildren, but in fact - so that public opinion remains satisfied. At the same time, the grandmother can bring so much negativity that after her you and the children can even get sick. Remember, are there such patterns? That you came, said nasty things to you or the children and left happy, but your head hurts? And she attacks you most often - under the pretext, of course, of goodness. She is a dear person, how can she advise bad things?

Maybe. And unconsciously. If a grandmother moves away from her grandchildren or does dirty tricks, there is only one conclusion - distance yourself. A person who truly loves will not compulsively climb with aggression, he will find ways to interact pleasantly and with pleasure. And this communication will be joyful, not burdensome. If any conversation or any meeting with the older generation turns into hell, a stream of negativity, claims or reproaches - remove this poison from the life of your family, do not poison yourself.

It is somehow inconvenient to leave an elderly person

Fifth rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law will be useful in relations with all, without exception, relatives and friends. The point is that no one should be allowed to treat you badly. It is necessary to wean off such behavior or reduce communication to zero. The ability to communicate is a necessary skill that every adult should and is able to develop in himself. If the mother-in-law is interested in the opportunity to speak with you or the grandchildren, she should do everything to be pleasant for you. Find at least one reason why someone else's woman gets the right to rule you, give ridiculous advice and spoil your mood? Why do you need this? You don't need anything from your mother-in-law. And her relationship with her own son is none of your business. It's up to you to make sure that your husband defends the interests of his wife and family, not your mother. While protecting, nothing to worry about.

If the husband does not understand it

Your mother-in-law is a stranger, says sixth rule... This is his mom. He wants to communicate with her - let him go to visit or with her in theaters and communicate. And you go about your business. If you do not force your husband to endure your mother-in-law, then he should not impose your mother-in-law on you. If your husband does not think so, most likely you yourself are not sure of the correct decision not to see his mother. You, too, have been instilled for many years by the social standards of Soviet society, in which elders must be respected, even if they behave like cheeky teenagers.

Sometimes, in response to a desire to stop communicating, they may begin to accuse you that this is an insult to your mother-in-law. Answer yourself, how can it be an insult - not to communicate with someone else's woman, not your mother at all? Where is the logic behind this statement? There are seven billion people on the planet - who else have you offended by not communicating with them? These are strangers to you, just like your husband's mother. You did not choose her to create a family and you did not decide to live happily ever after with her. You may just as well not communicate with your husband's brother, with his aunt, grandfather, cousin and ex-girlfriend.

If you are confident in your decision, no one will move you out of position. Let's say you are sure that you should have children only in formal marriage- and you cannot be forced to give birth before being stamped in your passport. But what about alimony, if that, and what, if you never know, how will life be?

In the situation with the mother-in-law, if you expect approval from me - this is it, I approve of your decision to share the communication. Divide. Organize your mother-in-law's visits so that you are not at home at this time. Go away. Do not go to visit her. The husband will spend time with his mother, but you don't need it.

Give yourself permission to do it your way - rule number seven and for all times, if you want to be happy. Without doubting, without worrying and without thinking that maybe you are wrong? You're right. 100%. That's the right decision. The rest of the family system will adjust, they will be forced to accept your position. In the meantime, you yourself doubt, you get these games in which you are manipulated, and you are a puppet jumping under the wrong hands.